My Past Stalks Me

No matter how many times we clean out our closet, there are bound to be a few skeletons lurking in the dark. Some memories are easy to conceal and completely forget about, while others continually sting and will probably linger in our minds. In my short twenty plus years, my life feels like a game of Jenga. I built up this tower of experiences, and I try to carefully pull out the ones I don’t want in there. Unfortunately, there are some that won’t budge and made the whole foundation of my life topple over.

What it looks like when I try to forget a bad memory from my past.  (credit: Wikipedia)

What it looks like when I try to forget a bad memory from my past. (credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve read countless quotes talking about moving forward and how life never looks back. I agree we should always stay focused on the present and forget about the past, but this is definitely easier said than done. It isn’t like we are action figures from Toy Story and have a reset button in the back of our head. Some memories just stick to our brains and can be triggered by one word or place.

One of the worst things that can bring the past up has to be a song. Just hearing the first words of an intro can send my mind back in time. It could be a song that was playing in the background of a first kiss or a tune you and your friends blasted out one night. Either way, it’s a melody I erased not only from my iPod but also from my playlist for life.

Some places I don’t even drive near in fear of seeing someone I would rather not run into. Not only will it bring up emotions I have tried drowning from my conscience, but will also just cause an awkward situation. It’s terrible when I absolutely have to run into the grocery store, and it turns out to be a hectic secret agent mission. I rush through all the isles, hide my head as I am checking out, and duck out of there so my presence will go undetected. It’s bad enough that this is plaguing my real life, but these stresses are now starting to haunt my dreams.

How I feel when I run into the grocery store, but probably not as smooth as Bond (credit: Wikipedia)

How I feel when I run into the grocery store, but probably not as smooth as Bond (credit: Wikipedia)

The past few weeks have been some of the worst nights of sleep for me. I can barely close my eyes because I am trapped in a dream world of ex friends and horrible moments. The bubble I built around myself to keep these people out of my life pops the moment I am asleep and all these feelings start flooding my subconscious. I have woken up a few times screaming and losing a full night’s rest. How am I supposed to live in the present when my past is stalking me in my dreams?

I chose to write about this because I started this blog to open up about my life and personal feelings. I am not going to hold anything back. I want to be honest with everything I talk about. While my past is still hiding behind every corner, it doesn’t’ have its teeth sunken into me like it did in the past. Time does heal all, and things always will get better. What seemed like such a huge deal when it happened is now only a memory. And that is all it is. We might never forget something that has really troubled us, but we have the power to put it in our past and not let it hold us back from our present. While my memories may turn every dream I have into a nightmare, it doesn’t bother me because every morning I am going to wake up and remember what I want out of life and try to make it happen.

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137 Responses to My Past Stalks Me

  1. Very well written. I can relate to this 100%. Looks like you need to go on a run 🙂

    • I always go on runs to clear my head when I need it. It is some of the best times for me to think and figure out where I’m at. I’m glad you enjoyed your Cup of Joe so much 🙂

  2. RJ says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one with this problem. Past “best friends” and boyfriends still haunt my dreams, even though I’m in the best place in life I’ve ever been. Maybe we’ll grow out of it someday?

    • I think it takes time to heal all, and we each have our own path in life. We just need to put our past behind us and keep looking forward. It is the only way to live our life the way we want to. Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

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  4. dollyandronny says:

    It’s an uncanny feeling when you read something you can totally relate to. Raw and honest writing at its best!

  5. merrildsmith says:

    I think I had my worst anxiety dreams when I was in my twenties. I’m not sure why that is, but they seemed to have [mostly] faded away. Good luck!

    • They used to be a problem but now I sleep great. I have put my past behind me and I’m just focusing on the present and future. Thanks for commenting and I hope you come back to refill your Cup of Joe 🙂

  6. Emalie says:

    I feel like you entered my head! I relate to this 100%! I too no longer have the nightmares. Sometimes, I would wake up and FEEL the dream for days. The actual feeling in the dream would stick with me. I thought I was nuts. NOPE, just needed to deal with a “few” things.
    Thank you for sharing. It meant a lot to me.
    Em

  7. restlessjo says:

    Your blog name and header did make me smile! Marching forwards is a good way to go. 🙂

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